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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27788530">100 wifis and I JUST TO WASH THE DUCKY</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wow_im_satan/pseuds/wow_im_satan'>wow_im_satan</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>andrierre is canon (excerpts  from a 2016-2017 google doc of great comet works) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gay, Multi, but - Freeform, chat fic, im so sorry, like its all really gay, literally wrote this with my friend in 2016, please do not read this</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 01:34:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,230</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27788530</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wow_im_satan/pseuds/wow_im_satan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>i wrote this with my friend in like 2016 im so so sorry please enjoy our misfortune</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Fyodor "Fedya" Ivanovich Dolokhov/Anatole Vasilyevich Kuragin, Marya "Mary" Nikolaevna Bolkonskaya/Sofia "Sonya" Alexandrovna Rostova, Marya Dmitryevna Akhrosimova/Elena "Hélène" Vasilyevna Kuragina, Pyotr "Pierre" Kirillovich Bezukhov/Andrei Nikolayevich Bolkonsky</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>andrierre is canon (excerpts  from a 2016-2017 google doc of great comet works) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033065</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>100 wifis and I JUST TO WASH THE DUCKY</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Pierre: Balaga fucks his troika<br/>Andrey: Pierre like dude<br/>Pierre: Wait how did you know<br/>Marya: commas<br/>Andrey: oh yeah—WAIT<br/>Andrey: PIERRE<br/>Andrey: YOU’RE GAY<br/>Anatole: gey<br/>Helene: I FUCKING TOLD YOU ANATOLE<br/>Dolokhov: im geyer than him <br/>Pierre: have you challenged my geyness?<br/>Dolokhov: sure<br/>[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]<br/>Pierre: LETS HAVE A FIC OFF WHO WILL WRITE THE GEYER SMUT<br/>Dolokhov: i write the geyer smut<br/>ANatole: gey smut<br/>Natasha: gey shit <br/>Marya: smut<br/>Pierre: Anatole like dude<br/>Anatole: we don't talk about that<br/>Dolokhov: when I'm over you do<br/>Anatole: shhhhhhhhhhhhh we don't talk about that <br/>Helene: we once had a 3 hour discussion about how you didn't think Dolokhov was gay<br/>Dolokhov: you didn't think I was gay how dare you<br/>Dolokhov: I'll have you know, Anatole, that you made me gay<br/>Dolokhov: damn good looks<br/>Marya: y’all are gay<br/>Helene: so are you<br/>Marya: no<br/>Marya: I'm a lesbian<br/>Sonya: I'm hetero McGee <br/>Mary: that's not what you said last night<br/>Sonya: I'm out<br/>Natasha: even Balaga is in this chat<br/>Anatole: wait what<br/>Pierre: is Balaga gay<br/>Natasha: nah he fucks troikas<br/>Dolokhov: tf<br/>Balaga: IM EATING WINE BITCHES<br/>Anatole: Balaga how drunk are you<br/>Balaga: yEs<br/>Dolokhov: he passed out in the snow in front of my house.<br/>Anatole: GUYS HELENE TOOK MY STUFFED DUCKY<br/>Dolokhov: I touched the ducky once and Anatole screamed more high-pitched than his sister<br/>Helene: I'm hiding and Anatole is screaming really loud<br/>Dolokhov: yo if Anatole starts to cry and eat the peanut butter stash then I'm coming over because that should shut him up<br/>Helene: I JUST NEED TO WASH THE DUCKY<br/>Helene: CHILL ANATOLE<br/>Anatole: I want something to cuddle<br/>Dolokhov: I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE<br/>Anatole: I mean something that will love me back<br/>Dolokhov: you still don't get that I'm gay for you specifically?<br/>Anatole: oh<br/>Anatole: Oh<br/>Anatole: OH<br/>Anatole: Mon Amour<br/>Anatole: come<br/>Dolokhov: just don't eat the world’s supply of peanut butter<br/>Anatole: no promises<br/>Marya: is everyone in this country gay<br/>Pierre: yes<br/>Andrey: I have a boyfriend now<br/>Pierre: yes<br/>Andrey: Pierre all you’ve said for the past half hour is yes<br/>Marya: cOMmAs<br/>Pierre: yes<br/>Dolokhov: gajsonsjdijamosoxmslapckdndkzanxjof<br/>Dolokhov: oops I tripped over Balaga and landed in the snow<br/>Helene: he’s still in your front yard? Also hurry over because Anatole's gonna start screaming again.<br/>Pierre: yes<br/>Balaga: IM AWAKE BASTARDS<br/>Balaga: I WANT DONUTS BUT MOSTLY DOH NUTS BUT IM NOT GEY<br/>Dolokhov: help<br/>Anatole: iIIIIII AM YOUR PRINCE I SHALL DAVE YOU DARLING<br/>Balaga: I'm troika-sexual<br/>Pierre: tf<br/>Andrey has changed Pierre's name to “yes”<br/>Yes: yes<br/>Andrey: boyfriend kindly shut up<br/>Marya: jeez, have you ever heard of commas, idiot?<br/>Andrey: no please enlighten me<br/>Helene: say hey if ur gay<br/>Balaga: tRoIkA<br/>Anatole: yay<br/>Helene: I said hey<br/>Anatole has changed his name to Panatole<br/>Panatole: I'm not gay<br/>Panatole: I'm pansexual<br/>Yes: hey<br/>Andrey: bi<br/>Helene has changed her name to Applesauce<br/>Balaga: tROiKa in meh pAnTs <br/>Applesauce: Balaga how much did you drink<br/>Yes: probably 3 boxes of 12 bottles<br/>Balaga: UM. For ur information no I drank 99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of vODKA also U.K. for president <br/>Helene: should we call someone…?<br/>Balaga: I AM YOu’re CALLING TACO BELL COME TO ME oh hello turkey may I pet ur eyes<br/>Yes: wth is wrong with Balaga<br/>Balaga: troika<br/>Balaga: I have nO LIMITS TO MY ELECTRICITY POWET TROIKA TURKEY I WILL KILL YALL WITH THOMAS JEFFERSON<br/>Yes: Balaga, what do you know that we don't?<br/>Balaga: Thomas Jefferson is GAY and he fucked James Madison tROiKA<br/>Panatole: he's right bout dat<br/>Andrey: Anatole where have you been?<br/>Applesauce: he’s trying to burrow even deeper into Dolokhov's side<br/>Marya: cOmMAs</p>
<p>Balaga: I have a hundred wifis <br/>Yes has changed Balaga’s name to Wifis<br/>Wifis: troIKA<br/>Dolokhov: how to get Anatole to stop eating peanut butter <br/>Wifis: I NEED MY VODKA WHERE ARE MY BABIES HALP<br/>Dolokhov: how to get boyfriend to shut up<br/>Andrey: you yell “shut up” and hope for the best<br/>Dolokhov: o ok<br/>Wifis: tRoIkAsS fUcKeD mE yEsTeRdAy<br/>Dolokhov has changed Andrey's name to Advice<br/>Advice: why.<br/>Advice has changed Dolokhov's name to Gender y Ass<br/>Wifis: it should be called BOOTY AND THE BEAST- SMUT EDITION<br/>Panatole: ……… I don't know how to feel about that <br/>Applesauce: um balaga are you okay<br/>Wifis: tROIKA FOR PREZ VS UNITED KInGDOM VS BOOTY BEAST :P<br/>Gey Ass: goddamn it Andrey<br/>Sonya: HOLY SHIT 96 NOTIFICATIONS ALSO I THINK IVE BEEN TRAUMATIZED<br/>Panatole: he's MY GEY ASS<br/>Yes: yes, ness, um what rhymes with yes 0/”<br/>Gey Ass: I'm not ur ass Anatole<br/>Panatole: fuck logic <br/>Gey Ass: oh would you look at that I'm logic now<br/>Wifis: I BREAK NINETEENTH WALL WiTH DEATH RAY<br/>Panatole: Dolokhov I'm tired tuck me in and tell me a bedtime story then give me a goodnight kiss<br/>Gey Ass: fine<br/>Panatole: WAIT LEMME GET INTO MEH PJ UNICORN ONESIE AND U GET INTO URS :D<br/>Gey Ass: … is this your way of saying you wanna do it?<br/>Applesauce: NO DOLOKHOV ANATOLE IS PURE RIGHT NOW IF YOU KILL HIM IN HIS PURE STATE U WILL DIEEED<br/>Gey Ass: Anatole why are you like this<br/>Panatole: can I have peanut butter <br/>Wifis: hi daddy<br/>Applesauce: OH GAWD THAT SOUNDS WRONG<br/>Yes: oops<br/>Advice: oOpS<br/>Yes: OoPs<br/>Advice: oOOOOOPS<br/>Applesauce: no stop no no no have you learned nOTHING<br/>Advice: oOPsAdAiSy<br/>Yes: no helene we mean oops we knocked over the peanut butter<br/>Panatole: EXCUSE ME<br/>Gey Ass: boyfriend please go back to sleep<br/>Panatole: YOU KILLED THE PEANUT BUTTER<br/>Yes: yes<br/>Yes: and a few boxes<br/>Panatole: GFSJDOSJFGSISKBDFSUSOSJWVEGDUDI<br/>Gey Ass: he's shrieking STOP KICKING ME ANATOLE IF YOU AND I ARE GONNA SLEEP TOGETHER YOU CAN'T KICK ME<br/>Applesauce: excuse me no Dolokhov get out <br/>Gey Ass: but he's so cute<br/>Applesauce: lEaVe<br/>Sonya: please kill me<br/>Marya: Natasha get out of this chat right now<br/>Natasha: oops<br/>Applesauce: WHY ARE YOU HERE NATALIE<br/>Natasha: because<br/>Applesauce: oh<br/>Applesauce: oH<br/>Applesauce: come in dear<br/>Marya: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NATASHA <br/>Marya: TELL NE OR NO CHOCOLATE PUDDING FOR YOU OR SONYA<br/>Sonya: pudding is at stake Natasha <br/>Applesauce: hehehehehegege gegdyindeu<br/>Natasha changed her name to ‘kiss kiss’<br/>Marya: NATASHA NO<br/>Kiss Kiss: Natasha yes<br/>Sonya: NO <br/>Kiss Kiss: oops I'm Gayer than before <br/>Marya: IM COMING OVER<br/>Kiss Kiss: fuck<br/>Marya: CLEAN THY MOUTH<br/>Applesauce: i volunteer<br/>Marya: WHY YOU LITTLE<br/>Applesauce: haha we aren't there <br/>Marya: why is Anatole running around with a Box on his head<br/>Gey Ass:  ANATOLE GET BACK HERE <br/>Panatole: NO YOU WON'T READ ME A DUCKY STORY <br/>Gey Ass: I ALREADY READ YOU SEVENTEEN HOW MANY MORE DO YOU HAVE<br/>Panatole: WAIT WHERE'S MY UNDERWEAR <br/>Panatole: OH POOP I AM COMANDO <br/>Gey Ass: WHY ARE YOU LOOKING IN YOUR PANTS ANYWAYS<br/>Panatole: because I'm bEAUTIFUL <br/>Applesauce: ANATOLE THAT IS WRONG <br/>Gey Ass: find Anatole’s pants 2k17<br/>Yes: no<br/>Advice: Anatole is it tru u have smol d<br/>Gey Ass: don't look at me I'm not answering that shit<br/>Yes: no<br/>Advice: PIERRE <br/>Yes: he was drunk and started running around the club naked<br/>Advice: hOLY–<br/>Marya: WHAT<br/>Yes: it's smaller than urs <br/>Advice: PIERRE <br/>Marya: natASHA GET OUT OF HERE<br/>Kiss Kiss has changed Marya’s name to Pterodactyl<br/>Pterodactyl: NATASHA<br/>Applesauce: hey hey hey Natalya <br/>Kiss Kiss: hi <br/>Kiss Kiss: oh oh OH<br/>Applesauce: ;)<br/>Kiss Kiss: OOOOH<br/>Pterodactyl: ELENA KURAGIN!<br/>Applesauce: o shit<br/>Applesauce: the ex is angry at me<br/>Kiss Kiss: hey Marya I kissed Helene<br/>Pterodactyl: GET BACK HERE SHE'S NOTHING BUT TROUBLE<br/>Kiss Kiss: but I love her so fuck off<br/>Applesauce: I'm all trouble baby <br/>Pterodactyl: Helene why did I ever date you<br/>Applesauce: because I'm just so hot ;)<br/>Pterodactyl: no ur not<br/>Kiss Kiss: Helene is hawt Anatole is a slut<br/>Gey Ass: EXCUSE ME I LOVE HIM but fair point who has a wife, girlfriend, and several others?<br/>Panatole: but I love you the most Fedya <br/>Gey Ass: sure you do<br/>Panatole: I SHALL PROVE IT<br/>Gey Ass: SHIT NOT NOW LATER<br/>Panatole: but baabe~<br/>Applesauce: ANATOLE</p>
<p>~two days later~</p>
<p>Panatole: hehehehehehehehehehe I caught a butterfly <br/>Gey Ass: get it off my face help<br/>Gey Ass: someone control my fiancé<br/>Applesauce: WHAT DID YOU DO IT'S BEEN TWO DAYS<br/>Gey Ass: ur brother is now Anatole Kuragin Dolokhov so um yeah <br/>Applesauce: he must be good in bed ;)<br/>Panatole: sister please <br/>Panatole: he is amazing <br/>Gey Ass: ANATOLE SHUSH <br/>Yes: hey<br/>Advice: hey<br/>Yes: hey<br/>Advice: hey <br/>Applesauce: hey Natasha<br/>Kiss Kiss: OH MY GOSH YES HELENE<br/>Panatole: what<br/>Kiss Kiss: I'M ENGAGED NOW<br/>Yes: hey<br/>Advice: hey<br/>Yes: OOOOOOOO<br/>Advice: I DO I DO I DOOO<br/>Yes: bOI YOU GOT ME HELPLESS<br/>Wifis: I killed a horse alive<br/>Wifis: where's the vodka oh there it is<br/>Pterodactyl: NO TO EVERYTHING NATASHA YOU ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED AND BALAGA YOU CAN'T DRIVE DRUNK<br/>Wifis: too late bitch <br/>Pterodactyl: EXCUSE ME WHAT DID YOU SAY<br/>Wifis: I want Kentucky fried chicken<br/>Panatole: don't we all<br/>Gey Ass: no babe<br/>Panatole: oh<br/>Gey Ass: if ur going with anyone it's gonna be me cuz I want a fucking KFC bucket<br/>Applesauce: Anatole remember the time Dolokhov walked in the room and you fell off the counter<br/>Panatole: it's not my fault he's so enchanting<br/>Kiss Kiss: Helene you need to put a dollar in the sin tin<br/>Pterodactyl: NATASHA DID YOU JUST<br/>Pterodactyl: DO THE DO<br/>Kiss Kiss: it's kinda my fault don't worry tho I also put a dollar in the sin tin<br/>Applesauce: heyyyyyyy ;)))<br/>Sonya: NATASHA WHY<br/>Kiss Kiss: NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME EXCEPT HELENE BECAUSE SHE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN AND LOVES ME<br/>Sonya: ………. not this again last week it was Helene Helene Helene now it's Helene kissed me and sinned<br/>Advice: Pierre<br/>Advice: we need a sin tin now<br/>Yes: Andrey stop texting<br/>Advice: only if I get to kiss you babe~<br/>Kiss Kiss: I WANT CUTE NICKNAMES shit I just bumped my knee<br/>Applesauce: yes and I can kiss it to make it feel better<br/>Pterodactyl: DON'T YOU DARE<br/>Mary: I’M SCARRED FOR LIFE<br/>Applesauce: too late<br/>Mary: oops daddy's home<br/>Bolkonsky: I HATE ALL OF YOU GO TO HELL<br/>Applesauce changed Mary’s name to Plain and Bolkonsky to DatBitch<br/>Applesauce: ha        Natalya let us run away for the summer<br/>Kiss Kiss: ya<br/>Pterodactyl: I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL KILL YOU<br/>Kiss Kiss: too late we're gonna run away<br/>Advice: Petya<br/>Advice: where is the wine<br/>Yes: I drank it<br/>Advice: all three bottles?<br/>Yes: yes.<br/>Advice: Pierre<br/>Advice: why<br/>Yes: I was bored<br/>Advice: is that what you do in your spare time? Read and drink?<br/>Yes: yes<br/>Yes: mostly drink<br/>Gey Ass: you learned nothing Andrey do you know how much he drank while you were gone?<br/>Advice: oh shit<br/>Yes: we don't talk about that<br/>Panatole: Pierre you got so wasted you almost tied with balaga in the crazy contest <br/>Panatole: and you made up the crazy contest <br/>Yes: I don't remember that<br/>Applesauce: holy crap yeah Pierre was wasted<br/>Kiss Kiss: Helene you must tell me why you have your face stuck in a wall<br/>Applesauce: I tripped <br/>Kiss Kiss: goodbye I must help my fiancé out of the wall and Helene NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS<br/>Advice: yo Pierre<br/>Yes: yes<br/>Advice: why is everyone gay and engaged<br/>Advice: except us<br/>Yes: you're my fiancé now<br/>Yes: Andrey I've never heard you scream so high pitched in your life<br/>Yes: are you okay<br/>Gey Ass: i’m gay<br/>Applesauce: we all are<br/>Sonya: Y’ALL ARE TURNING ME GAY<br/>Pterodactyl: Natasha please no <br/>Applesauce: Natasha the crazy ex is back HeLp me <br/>Kiss Kiss: too lazy<br/>Kiss Kiss: want to sit here<br/>Applesauce: Natasha you are sitting on top of me<br/>Kiss Kiss: yeet<br/>Applesauce: okay<br/>Applesauce: sHIT SHE FOUND US Marya STOP SCREECHING PLEASE YOU WILL KILL OUR EARS<br/>Pterodactyl: nATASHA SHE WILL ONLY BRING YOU PAIN<br/>Applesauce: Marya we’re married now please leave<br/>Pterodactyl: NO<br/>Kiss Kiss: pls<br/>Pterodactyl: FINE<br/>Mary: hello…<br/>Kiss Kiss: hOW DO I CHOOSE WHAT DO I DO<br/>Pterodactyl: IM COMING BACK<br/>Applesauce: Natasha and Marya are both sO hawt <br/>Pterodactyl: yes I know I am very hot<br/>Panatole: please things haven't been about me in a while can we change that<br/>Gey Ass: ily<br/>Panatole: I'm like a duck but better<br/>Gey Ass:  you're better than boxes and peanut butter<br/>Gey Ass: but also because Nutella is better than peanut butter<br/>-------------------------------<br/>Sonya-  Marya is jd gonna kill me<br/>Pterodactyl- yes yes he is<br/>Applesauce- wat<br/>Kiss kiss- aw fuck no sonya jd isn't gonna kill ya Marya y u do that<br/>Applesauce- I do believe everyone here may be on… tHE DRuGS<br/>Yes- Balaga took my wine….<br/>Wifis- FUCK YOU<br/>Advice- babe it's fine you don't need vodka at our wedding <br/>Yes- you are not a true Russian. <br/>Pterodactyl- you need caviar and vodka to be Little Miss Russia <br/>KissKiss- i volenteer <br/>Pterodactyl- STUPID CHILD ITS ONLY FOR FIVE YEAR OLDS<br/>KissKiss- I can be five <br/>Panatole- i am better at being 5 i would love to be little miss russia <br/>Pterodactyl- I think you can pull it off<br/>Gey Ass- he won one year</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i told u, it is BAD</p></blockquote></div></div>
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